'Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?' Plus, My First Event: Ebony & Orchid!

There's a bit of anxiety that I have before every dinner party I host. What if no one comes?

I spent hours cooking, cleaning, decorating and preparing for guests. And even though people always come and food is always served, there's always that tiny bit of doubt that I'll be settling down for a table for one when I've cooked enough for 20. Some of this is because I know people are busy, and it takes a bit to get them to leave the house these days. But as I wrote two weeks ago, we need to make time for human contact as part of our self-care. We need community. We need fellowship. We need companionship. Sadly, though, fewer and fewer people are making connections, choosing self-imposed, technology-fueled isolation over the "anxiety" that can sometimes come with human interaction.

In a recent column for The New York Times' Modern Love, Rachel Drucker channels her best Paula Cole, and laments the lack of men ... everywhere. She's namely talking about heterosexual men to potentially date, as more and more of them choose to disappear behind screens rather than go out on a once-busy Friday night.

Drucker, who worked for places like Playboy and Spice TV, which were laser-focused on getting men to pay for racy content when a lot of it is pirated online for free, admits that this environment created something like a death knell for human interaction.

We knew what worked. We knew how to frame a face, a gesture, a moment of implication — just enough to ignite fantasy and open a wallet. I came to understand, in exact terms, what cues tempt the average 18-to-36-year-old cis heterosexual man. What drew him in. What kept him coming back. It wasn’t intimacy. It wasn’t mutuality. It was access to stimulation — clean, fast and frictionless.

In that world, there’s no need for conversation. No effort. No curiosity. No reciprocity. No one’s feelings to consider, no vulnerability to navigate. Just a closed loop of consumption.

What struck me most wasn’t the extremity of the content; it was the emotional vacancy behind it. The drift. The way many men had quietly withdrawn from intimacy and vulnerability. Not with violence or resistance, but with indifference.

They weren’t sitting across from someone on a Saturday night, trying to connect. They were scrolling. Dabbling. Disappearing behind firewalls, filters and curated personas. And while they disappeared, women continued to gather. To tend. To notice who wasn’t arriving — and to show up anyway.

As someone who, just a few years ago, was engaged in a search for a partner (otherwise know as "I was on the streets"), I can tell you that looking for an eligible, single straight man in a haystack of married and coupled "ethically non-monogamous" men looking to cheat, is hell. If you're currently in a relationship and wondering about getting back out there, consider working things out with your partner if they're not abusive, psychotic, or actively using dating apps to pretend to be single.

Where have all the men who aren't a hot mess gone? Apparently home. They are all at home. By themselves. On their phones. Maybe it was all the drama and confusion that comes with trying to date. Perhaps they've just come out of a relationship and need some time alone. Or maybe they've never been in a serious relationship and don't see the value when they can just date their AI chatbot, who never disagrees with them or demands anything of them.

It's a mess.

Then there's the reality that many Americans are not only struggling to make romantic connections — they're having a hard time making platonic friends. Almost 20 percent of Americans report having only one or no close friends. Meaning men aren't the only people struggling to find connection beyond what you find behind a screen. Many people would rather isolate and self-soothe with their devices than leave the comfort of their homes, even in New York City, where our residences are considerably smaller and not as comfortable. For years, the joke was you didn't need a big apartment in New York City because you weren't going to spend any time inside of it anyway. With remote work becoming increasingly prevalent, our tiny apartments are now also serving as our tiny workspaces, meaning we have even less human contact.

With this in mind, I'm always grateful for the friends who make the trek to Brooklyn for one of my dinner parties. Whether they're coming from up the street or as far as Washington, D.C., it always feels good to share a meal and conversation with those I care about. Especially considering how much rarer this together time is.

Last week, I hosted a teaser cocktail party for a new event series I'm launching with my friend, fashion designer and sales and marketing professional, JunnyAnn Hibbert — Ebony & Orchid.

Meant to foster togetherness over a meal prepared by yours truly, Ebony & Orchid is intended to enrich and inspire women of color professionals by focusing on issues such as mental health and wellness, work-life balance, family and relationships, and much more.

This very first cocktail hour was sponsored by Verizon, alongside Carol's Daughter and Joy's Island Spice. And as a member of the National Alliance on Mental Illness' leadership circle here in New York City, hosting a dinner meant to foster community with a focus on our emotional well-being means a lot. As someone who has struggled in the past to find community, this support gives me the chance to create a place of fellowship and self-care for other women who struggle with juggling a social life alongside their high-pressure careers.

For the first cocktail hour, I made a meal of citrus-and-herb baked salmon; Brussels sprouts roasted in a sweet n' spicy soy sauce; an arugula salad with goat cheese, candied pecans, and pears; roasted harissa chicken with a savory sweet potato, fig, and sourdough bread stuffing; and for dessert, a coconut layer cake with cream cheese icing. And for an appetizer, I had prosciutto with melon and mozzarella, with a dollop of hot honey.

Ebony & Orchid's first official dinner will be this September in Brooklyn, NY. If you're interested in potentially learning more about the event or sponsorship opportunities, please reach out here.