Rage Relief Kit #4: Relaxing, Relating, and Releasing at Leading Women Defined

Rage Relief Kit — your "feel good and get out of the house for a minute to touch grass" newsletter — is back and coming to you from sunny (but cool) Los Angeles!

Why am I on the Left coast? Well, I escaped the fickle cold of NYC for the fickle "cool" of Southern California for this year's gathering of my fellow, fabulous, "Rich Bougie Aunties" and our equally compelling "High Net Worth Nieces," also known as the Leading Women Defined Summit in Dana Point, Calif.! It's a safe space where Black women leaders can be their full selves, unafraid and without prejudice. Wanna flex your brain power? Cool. We're all smart here. Wanna flex your fashion skills? Pack your 20 outfits and get in on the fun. Wanna let your hair down and groove tonight? Make your knees remember better days as you leave it all on the dancefloor.

It's a TIME, child. And then Kamala Harris shows up. A lot happened, but here's a quick rundown.

Leading Women, Assemble!

Held annually at the Ritz-Carlton Laguna Nigel, Leading Women Defined (or LWD, for short) has been around since the Obama Administration. It's an annual gathering of about 200 Black women in leadership positions across the U.S., curated and created by Debra Lee, the former CEO of BET Networks.

Put on by her small, but mighty team led by indie film producer Gabrielle Glore, LWD was founded to create a community of sisterhood between other Black women leaders, as it is often lonely at the top. But it's more than a networking event — it's a necessary respite from the dregs of corporate America, the stress of entrepreneurship, the doldrums of high-level management, and a release from the social, familial, and workplace responsibilities held by Black women. It's essentially a supportive sorority without the Greek letters (although you'll find many "Divine Nine" members there, especially members of Delta Sigma Theta, of which Lee was made an honorary member in 2023). But with LWD, we all "crossed" when we got to corporate America and didn't fail despite often being set up to do so.

This year's themes were "Still Blooming" and "You can't hear a garden grow," both meant to evoke positive feelings about our own evolution and renewal as leaders. Many of us (your host included) are going through major transitions in life — from divorces to aging parents to career changes to concerns about the state of the world.

A Who's Who of Black Leaders

I've been attending LWD since 2018, and it's among the few conferences I attend where I can say each year somehow surpasses the last in terms of content, programming, attendees, and featured guests. I've partied with Tina Knowles, been inspired by Michelle Obama, moved emotionally by supermodel Iman, danced with British singer Estelle, and listened to LL Cool J and MC Lyte drop motivational gems. It's a vibe, but it's also an amazing relief — a sanctuary from our stressful, high-powered, high-pressured lives.

At this year's event, Lee honored her sister in DST, fellow honorary member, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, with the Butterfly Award for her exemplary work in the legal field. Other notable guests this year included former Vice President (and Alpha Kappa Alpha member) Harris, along with actor Don Cheadle and Professor Eddie S. Glaude during an evening dedicated to Black dandyism, and gospel singer Yolanda Adams during our picnic lunch, which also featured plus-sized fashion influencer Nzinga Imani. Attendees ranged from CEOs to politicos to entrepreneurial business leaders, media mavens, tech titans, C-suiters, notable book authors, and high-powered attorneys. And most of the activities over the four-day summit were hosted by entertainment journalist and podcaster Gia Peppers and CBS Saturday Morning's own Michelle Miller.

'Success' as a Trauma Response

Last year, when I was still Editor-in-Chief of HuffPost, we were a media sponsor, and I spoke before a therapeutic, emotional session. Mental health and wellness continue to be big themes at LWD, with some of this year's wellness sessions being held by new author and well-being expert Devi Brown (who touched on grief in all its forms), and an impactful panel on health hacks for high-achievers hosted by Tina Perry, President of OWN TV Network, featuring Sheereen Miller-Russell, EVP of Ad Sales & Client Partnerships at Warner Bros. Discovery, and Teneshia Jackson Warner, CEO of marketing firm EGAMI Group and INN Certified health and wellness coach.

Here are some of the key lessons I learned from them during the summit:

Seeking Your Ideal Self: During the health hacks panel, Jackson Warner asked us to imagine our ideal future selves and what barriers we faced in becoming her. It's an exercise to focus on what your goals truly are and how you can reverse engineer them. This meant so much to me because I'm trying to figure out what I want to do now that I'm no longer editor of HuffPost. I wrote out all my dreams for my future self, from getting healthier and in better shape to being a published author. But what was standing in my way? For me, I realized, it's all mental. If I want to be an author, or to return to journalism, or develop ANTISOCIAL, or be a public speaker, or focus on consulting, I need to get out of my own way and get into a new version of the game I've been playing since I was a kid — "climb that ladder." But what happens when you reach the top and find you're in an empty room? More on that for a future Rage Relief Kit!

All Emotions Matter: Brown's talk pushed us out of our comfort zones, confronting how "there is no hierarchy of emotion," and how anger (for several generations of Black women in corporate America who've been told they can never be angry lest they be stereotyped) is just as important and valuable as joy or sorrow. This meant a lot to me because I'm known for "never getting angry." Yet, I do get angry. I just suppress or channel it into other things to my own detriment. Brown got me to realize I need to tap into my anger and healthily harness it instead of running from it. (For the record: My boyfriend told me the same thing, but I didn't listen to him because I'm stubborn and needed to hear this from my therapist and Brown for it to sink in.)

Perfectionism as a Trauma Response: Brown also challenged a roomful of current and recovering perfectionists to understand that "Perfectionism is a sign of unprocessed emotions." Meaning — you're an overachieving perfectionist because you've never dealt with the things that turned you into a perfectionist in the first place. If LWD has taught me anything, it is that many high-achieving Black women have the same story — their parents expected big things of them, often at the expense of their emotional well-being. We all just want to be loved and think we can't or aren't deserving of that love until we get that A+ grade, that acceptance letter, that advanced degree, that C-suite position, or that high six-figure salary while also losing about 30 lbs. But again, what happens if you get all that and you find yourself in that empty room I mentioned? Brown encouraged us to dump the perfectionism and invest in our mental health instead.

Avoidance Isn't the Same As Boundaries: Brown asked us to question if our "boundaries" are about creating space or just avoiding uncomfortable situations. For example, ghosting isn't establishing boundaries. It's simply avoidance, and avoidance hints that something much deeper is afoot. She pushed us to confront the uncomfortable and be honest about our feelings rather than harboring resentments that turn into bigger issues over time.

Want more tips from Jackson Warner or Brown? Check out Jackson Warner's "The Big Stretch" and Brown's forthcoming book, "Living in Wisdom."

Want to learn more about Leading Women Defined? Follow them on social here.